Lately I've been feeling overly-anxious and upset. I'm not sure what brought this on, possible after a few weeks of being at home over Christmas and then having to settle back into student life once again started this. You would think I'd be used to it by now, after all it's my third year at university. It just never seems to get any easier, going back to uni always feels so scary - like it's my first day all over again.
I come back, and it all seems fine. But then one bad day ruins it, puts me back into the routine of hiding away. Of staying in my room, and hoping nobody asks why. I seem to feel ill quite a lot, I think my anxiety brings this feeling on. I become stressed out over the smallest things, something so minor that wouldn't affect anyone else has me worrying for an entire afternoon. I try and guess what people are thinking, I wonder if they know I'm hiding. I tell people 'I'm not feeling great tonight', and they accept it and hope I feel better soon.
The past week and a half has probably been one of the toughest, for the fact that I've started back at lectures again and avoiding being social pretty much everyday. I hate that, I know I'm being anti-social and yet I cannot stop myself. An accomplishment for me is to go downstairs and have a conversation, but that really should not be a thing.
Tuesday, 27 January 2015
Monday, 8 December 2014
If I'm not invited, I'm not joining in
People always say that you shouldn't wait around to be invited, that you should join in and have fun. That's so impossible for a person with social anxiety, I wish people understood this.
All through first year of university, I would assume I was intentionally not invited to hang out in someone's room or in the neighbours flat. I know this is not the case, that people just think if she wanted to hang out - she would come and join in. My thoughts aren't rational, I cannot control this. I find it incredibly difficult to walk into a room and feel confident that I am wanted there.
Something that really hurts me, is the fact that people do not understand this. I would never wish anyone to have anxiety, but I want there to be a way for people to understand. I want there to be a way for there not to be such a stigma around anxiety and mental health issues that people feel comfortable in being open about it, and not feel ashamed. I see people on my Facebook that do feel comfortable sharing this, and I envy them. I suffered for years without telling a single soul, and once my family knew... then my doctor who urged me to open up to friends.
When telling the people around me, I seemed to play it down. And that has resulted in people thinking I get nervous 'every now and again', so I get the reaction of 'Me too!' I don't think many people realise that my anxiety stops me from leaving my room sometimes, that daily life can be so difficult because the anxiety controls every part of me now. Nothing feels simple and easy.
All through first year of university, I would assume I was intentionally not invited to hang out in someone's room or in the neighbours flat. I know this is not the case, that people just think if she wanted to hang out - she would come and join in. My thoughts aren't rational, I cannot control this. I find it incredibly difficult to walk into a room and feel confident that I am wanted there.
Something that really hurts me, is the fact that people do not understand this. I would never wish anyone to have anxiety, but I want there to be a way for people to understand. I want there to be a way for there not to be such a stigma around anxiety and mental health issues that people feel comfortable in being open about it, and not feel ashamed. I see people on my Facebook that do feel comfortable sharing this, and I envy them. I suffered for years without telling a single soul, and once my family knew... then my doctor who urged me to open up to friends.
When telling the people around me, I seemed to play it down. And that has resulted in people thinking I get nervous 'every now and again', so I get the reaction of 'Me too!' I don't think many people realise that my anxiety stops me from leaving my room sometimes, that daily life can be so difficult because the anxiety controls every part of me now. Nothing feels simple and easy.
Sunday, 7 December 2014
Since then
So after being diagnosed with social anxiety at the age of 15/16, I felt a bit better at the fact I had an idea what it was causing this. I was told of a number of different methods to help my anxiety, so I started buying 'calm' drops, as I started getting a lot worse.
I went to college, and after three months dropped out after one too many bad times. Some of my friends were becoming different people, my best friend didn't feel like my best friend anymore. I transferred to a sixth form where the rest of my school friends were, and at first that really helped. The honeymoon period. Soon, I started spending too much time by myself as I took different classes to my friends, so a lot of 'frees' were spent by myself, over thinking. Once I got used to it, I settled down and felt a lot better. Two years there, and then it was time to go to university.
My anxiety has probably never been this bad until I went to university. I love love love university, but the social anxiety always has a way of cropping up. First year, I made friends but I spent too much time in my room pretending to be ill and crying because I just wanted to be at home. At one point, it all got too much that I was seriously considering of dropping out. I know I would regret it, so I stuck it out and I'm very glad I did! Some days my anxiety is so low it's as if I'm completely fine, other days I stay in my room because opening the door means seeing people and that can sometimes be so so frightening.
My anxiety is really inconsistent, I travelled to another continent by myself for six weeks this past summer and that did not scare me at all. But leaving my room to talk to my amazing friends can sometimes just be too much for me to deal with? My doctor gave me medication before I started university to help me calm down when I need it, but sometimes it doesn't help at all.
I went to college, and after three months dropped out after one too many bad times. Some of my friends were becoming different people, my best friend didn't feel like my best friend anymore. I transferred to a sixth form where the rest of my school friends were, and at first that really helped. The honeymoon period. Soon, I started spending too much time by myself as I took different classes to my friends, so a lot of 'frees' were spent by myself, over thinking. Once I got used to it, I settled down and felt a lot better. Two years there, and then it was time to go to university.
My anxiety has probably never been this bad until I went to university. I love love love university, but the social anxiety always has a way of cropping up. First year, I made friends but I spent too much time in my room pretending to be ill and crying because I just wanted to be at home. At one point, it all got too much that I was seriously considering of dropping out. I know I would regret it, so I stuck it out and I'm very glad I did! Some days my anxiety is so low it's as if I'm completely fine, other days I stay in my room because opening the door means seeing people and that can sometimes be so so frightening.
My anxiety is really inconsistent, I travelled to another continent by myself for six weeks this past summer and that did not scare me at all. But leaving my room to talk to my amazing friends can sometimes just be too much for me to deal with? My doctor gave me medication before I started university to help me calm down when I need it, but sometimes it doesn't help at all.
Sunday, 30 November 2014
The beginning.
All my life I have suffered with social anxiety, but up until about six years ago I just thought it was extreme nerves that no one else seemed to have. From as far back as I can remember in my school days, I have never been able to stand up in front of a class without a mixture of things happening. I can recall one time in year six clearly.
It was Geography class, presentation day. It was always bloody presentation day in that class I swear. We always had to swap pairs every week, work with someone different to 'get to know each other', even though I'd known most of them since reception. The whole 'change' every week alone freaked me out, why couldn't I grow comfortable with one partner for that term? This time I was working with someone who I'd grown up with, but hardly knew. The teacher would never tell us when our presentation would be, whether it was that day, tomorrow.. next week even. So of course, the entire lesson I could not concentrate and my heart was thudding so hard I believed everyone could hear it.
Finally, my turn. Wait, what?
I'm standing in front of the class, and my legs start turning to jelly but as my mum always tells me 'no one will be listening, everyone is focused on their own presentations to come'. But we were one of the last few pairs, of course. Everyone seemed to be paying attention. I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter, the rest of me burning up as rashes appeared and my face turned red. When it was my turn to speak, my throat closed up and I found it difficult to get words out so I would rush it, babble. My hands are clutched to my script, but it's still shaking violently for everyone to see. Once the hell is over, for the week, I sit back down to hear one of my classmates say 'Aw she's shaking so badly' and 'she's so red', people even telling me I'm red. Wow, as if I didn't know. Also, how does that help?
That's just one of the hundreds of times I've felt this way, and I've got worse since. Because at school, at the end of a bad anxious day, you can go home. To the safety of your parents, and familiarities and 'predictiveness'. But now I am 21, living away from home for university.
It was Geography class, presentation day. It was always bloody presentation day in that class I swear. We always had to swap pairs every week, work with someone different to 'get to know each other', even though I'd known most of them since reception. The whole 'change' every week alone freaked me out, why couldn't I grow comfortable with one partner for that term? This time I was working with someone who I'd grown up with, but hardly knew. The teacher would never tell us when our presentation would be, whether it was that day, tomorrow.. next week even. So of course, the entire lesson I could not concentrate and my heart was thudding so hard I believed everyone could hear it.
Finally, my turn. Wait, what?
I'm standing in front of the class, and my legs start turning to jelly but as my mum always tells me 'no one will be listening, everyone is focused on their own presentations to come'. But we were one of the last few pairs, of course. Everyone seemed to be paying attention. I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter, the rest of me burning up as rashes appeared and my face turned red. When it was my turn to speak, my throat closed up and I found it difficult to get words out so I would rush it, babble. My hands are clutched to my script, but it's still shaking violently for everyone to see. Once the hell is over, for the week, I sit back down to hear one of my classmates say 'Aw she's shaking so badly' and 'she's so red', people even telling me I'm red. Wow, as if I didn't know. Also, how does that help?
That's just one of the hundreds of times I've felt this way, and I've got worse since. Because at school, at the end of a bad anxious day, you can go home. To the safety of your parents, and familiarities and 'predictiveness'. But now I am 21, living away from home for university.
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